Prejudice

At the weekend I went out for a drink with some 'friends', girls from the neighbourhood. One of them brought up the subject of swinging, convinced that one of our neighbours was 'at it'. They all became highly animated, making jokes, pulling disgusted faces and spitting out condescending clichés .

"It's vulgar, how can they enjoy watching their husband shag another woman? They can't really care about him, or each other. Yuck, it's foul!"

I was speechless, I didn't defend the lifestyle or join in with their banter. I just sat there, staring into space feeling like a rabbit trapped in headlights, fearing the slightest move or unguarded word would seal my fate, give my game away.

"Oh but it's every man's fantasy to watch two woman together isn't it. And what are bisexuals all about anyway? How can they possibly fancy both?"

Squirming in their seats, pulling more faces, "It's not right, there's something mentally wrong with them!"

I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole. I hoped that they didn't notice as my face turned an angry shade of scarlet.

"They're just sex fiends, doubling their chances of pulling!" they fall about, clutching their stomachs as raucous laughter erupts.

I nod, pull faces and shake my head accordingly, pathetic creature that I am. I want to shrivel and die, I want to run home into the open arms of Mr S, safe, excepted. These people are supposed to be my friends, these prejudice, judgmental people who are talking about me like I'm a freak, an oddity.

I'm crushed, I feel like jumping up and shouting, "Well guess what, I'm one of those freaks! Yes that's right you condescending bitches, you share your life with a swinging bisexual, who enjoys watching her husband bang other women. And no, I'm not mentally deranged and yes I do love him more deeply for it. So what've you got to say about it now huh? Will you still invite me into your home, let our children play together in my garden, or continue to share with me your most intimate secrets?"

But to be honest what would it achieve? I would be labeled a social outcast, with sniggering spiteful whispers behind my back, my kids cruelly taunted and teased by their peers. A sad sad fact that these small minded bigots are my friends, yet they will never know me completely.

I wish I could be honest with them, have them accept me for who I am, but that's never going to happen. I could turn my back, walk away and surround myself with like minded souls. But the thing is, apart from this instance, I really like these people, normally enjoy their company and have grown very close to them.

So instead, I choose to live in shame, guarding my secrets close to my heart for as long as possible. Unfortunately this only adds to the self loathing that I'm feeling at the moment and is yet another nail in my sexually repressive coffin.

My empty smile is the mask I hide behind.