Mr S is suffering. In his words 'he's been stung'. It's since the full swap the other weekend. I don't know how to console him, how to help him, how to guide him through it. He's such a hard person to read, sometimes I don't know what's going on inside his head unless it explodes.
He's upset because I got a little carried away with it all. After the full swap there was some more interaction, but between all four of us this time, (I'll share with you later ;o)). It was extremely erotic and by this time my hedonistic desires were rampant and the name, 'cock crazy tramp' would have suited me quite nicely!
When we finally unraveled ourselves from the pile of bodies that was our mini orgy, I thought Mr S instructed me to go into the next room and have sex with Kev again. But it was a misunderstanding, he really wanted us to get together. I must have misheard. So, as Kevin and I began to get down to it, Mr S became furious, mumbled something about 'not wanting to watch this', then stormed out of the room taking Kate with him.
After a few short minutes, we decided to start the arduous task of locating our spouses within the rabbit warren of the club. The longer it took to find them, the darker I became. I was upset because as far as I was concerned, he'd told me to do something, then flipped for no reason when I did it. My imagination ran riot, filling my head with various awful scenarios, each one worse than the previous. At one point I actually thought they'd left the building.
We finally found them tucked away in the jacuzzi, just silently sitting next to each other. As I entered the water Mr S stretched out his legs in attempt to pull me towards him, but I just thought he was trying to trip me over, which infuriated me even more! I resisted the urge to start a full scale row, but the silent daggers in my eyes and the simmering undertones in my body language said it all. The final straw layed, I tripped/half fell/stumbled and sat next to Kev instead.
Mr S and I exchanged silent looks, with him asking "What's up?"
But childishly I was unable to communicate my anger, for fear of never being able to contain the rant that surely would escape. Instead I gave Mr S another look that I hope conveyed my wrath and would be impossible to misinterpret.
Then in a feeble attempt to lighten the atmosphere, laughing loudly I chirped, "Look at you! Ha ha, you've still got your condom on!"
Half jokingly Kev replied, "I know, I didn't want to waste it. Want to jump back on?" Ashamedly I have to admit to taking him up on his offer, which of course exasperated an already volatile situation.
I know, I know, I'm cringing as I write, I can see it now. But at the time I was blissfully unaware that Mr S had a problem and misjudged it by miles. Unsurprisingly, seeing us together again, Mr S got up and left, using our 'safe' word before he departed. Well he thought it was our safe word, but he'd got it all mixed up with an alternative one! So I didn't realise that he wanted us to leave. It was only when he'd gone that I removed myself from Kev, and finally it began to dawn on me that there was trouble ahead. It's a poor excuse I know, but for me, the heady mix of sex and drink, dulls the intuition to corpse like proportions.
Eventually he did rejoin us, we did reconnect and the evening ended on a fantastic high, with just the two of us back at our hotel room.
We've talked extensively about this fiasco and have both taken responsibility for our actions, admitted that we were, at some point, insensitive and uncaring. Dealt with differently this whole nasty episode and it's aftermath could have been avoided. But it wasn't, so here we are dealing with the consequences. Again.
From what he's told me so far, he's not happy about the whole sharing me with another man situation. Swapping wasn't even the most pleasurable part of the evening for me. Being with and watching Mr S with other women was. He's also finding coping with my perceived abandonment extremely difficult. 'Choosing to seek solace in the arms of another man', which is not how it was in reality at all.
Of course I regret it all now, there's no way I'd purposely do anything to upset Mr S, or jeopardise our relationship. I don't think it's a good idea for me to 'do' blokes, because I'm incredibly blind to Mr S's feelings and become oblivious to the fallout that my actions may cause. When I'm swinging I find it very hard to step into his shoes and empathise with him. We're wired up so differently, if I see him sexually interacting with someone else I get turned on, but he seems to be the complete opposite (although there are some tent pitching exceptions!) Everything I've witnessed him doing so far has been fine with me. Except the jacuzzi incident which tore me apart. Emotionally, perhaps that's were he is now?
There's no point in doing this if it isn't fun for everyone and I rather fear that the enjoyment seems to be mainly mine. He says that when he's having sex with another woman, all he's thinking is "I want to be with my wife." I'm unsure of how true that is, it's a lovely thing to say, but it saddens me, making me feel like a manipulative bitch who's been on a selfish mission. However, in the next breath he'll say even though he's not comfortable with the full swinging, he really did enjoy the evening. Perhaps it just depends on where he is on his roller coaster ride?
I feel like I've let him down. I was stupid and insensitive, jumping in where angels fear to tread. He always says I analyse things too deeply, I think he's doing that now. I don't like him hurting, he's always been my tower of strength. I'm so unaccustomed to him being sad. He gets angry yes, but never really upset. I'm not sure what to do? I want to make it all better for him, but every time I open my mouth I seem to put my foot in it! Hopefully lots of reassurance, lots of love and time will help him make sense of the way he's feeling. Hopefully. What we have is far to precious to loose.
This is a rocky and treacherous road indeed and not one to be taken lightly. When we began this adventure I thought it would be peppered with wonderful erotic tales, call me naive, call me stupid, but I didn't expect the trip to be this bumpy.
"be careful what you wish for, lest it come true"
4 comments:
I really think that whole resentment could have been avoided by the two of you taking a moment to talk to each other- to communicate- while there. In moments like those one little thing can lead to a bigger one, then bigger and bigger until, here you are, doubting what it is you've been trying to accomplish.
You said "He says that when he's having sex with another woman, all he's thinking is "I want to be with my wife." I'm unsure of how true that is, it's a lovely thing to say, but it saddens me, making me feel like a manipulative bitch who's been on a selfish mission."
And really, looking back on your posts you mention over and over again how much you barely even realize you're with another man, you're whole focus is on A) your pleasure, and B) your husband (who is usually in front or near you).
It's very obvious to me that you're not being selfish in this.
The essence is that you're both having sex with other people, and you enjoy it because you're still together. But if he can be comfortable with himself having sex with another woman, but not comfortable with you having sex with another man, even though you feel it brings you closer together, than there is an imbalance in his opinions, and it's hypocritical.
I think you two can really work things out by communicating your feelings WHEN they arise. Don't let them simmer and boil up. When something bothering either of you, you have to bring it up. That way, even if you can't figure it out right then, you know what's going on, and maybe even don't push the problem further.
Sorry that's so long, I don't mean to push my ideas on you. Especially because I'm not involved in the lifestyle you are, so I probably have no inkling of an idea of what you're really going through.
But I wish you the best.
Love reading your posts.
~Sin
Hi Sin, thanks so much for your in depth comment (long is always good!) I think you have great insight and agree with all the points you've made.
And yes, communication, or more precisely, the lack of it, is our main problem. Not a hard thing to rectify, hopefully. But like you say, it does make you question everything.
I'm not sure how I feel about the hypercritical point? He has some difficulties in excepting the full swap, which is OK with me. I mean, it's not a 'normal' thing to do and you have to be a little warped to start with? He's just a little less warped than me!
Still mulling it all over..........
You know, I've come across this situation before, and the thing I found helped a lot was a lot of clear communication, double and triple checking safe words, and playing with both men at once (sucking one while fucking the other helped both men have fun and feel like they were getting the better end of the Kitty ;) )
I know that you've written that you're putting this stuff aside for a while, but I think that communication is always a good thing to work on. Have you looked into the book "Hot Monogamy"? It helped me with my communication and I'm not even monogamous!
It can be hard. Sometimes you think something will be ok, and you feel like it isn't while it's happening, and while you want to stop it, you also don't want to interrupt and you just dwell in frustration. Lots of snuggles and check ins have helped my partners and I do the swapping thing and enjoy ourselves.
Hope it helps. It's a journey- sometimes sunny, sometimes stormy. But the journey is a part of the process, wherever it ultimately leads.
Hi Kitty, some very sound advice there. I think you're right, we are lacking in communication skills and really need to work on them together.
Regarding the both men at the same time advice, I think you're right, but in this instance it was a foursome, and the logistics of involving everyone simultaneously are a little more difficult. Although I'm sure it's feasible - an orgy perhaps?
I'll check out that book, sounds interesting.
And yes, you have helped. Thanks xoxxo
Post a Comment