Betrayal

I think my heart is breaking. My eyes are filled with tears that don't fall. My mind is in turmoil and my body wrapped in sadness. I have a constant aching in my chest, that switches from a gentle wave, through to a stabbing frenzy of pain. I am mourning the loss of something very special to me.

We went to a swingers party at the weekend, it was fantastic, both Mr S and I had a wonderful sexy time. I thought it was the perfect evening, until his revelation hit me and rocked my world..........

We were driving home, full of laughter, satisfaction and sexual afterglow, when Mr S took on a serious expression and mouthed the words that everyone dreads, "I have a confession to make."

I am falling, scrambling for a foot hold, I have no control as my world begins to crumble around me. My heart physically lifts itself out of my chest and lurches up into my throat. "What?" I whisper, almost wishing I hadn't asked.

He sighs deeply, the weight of the words he's about to share, bearing down on him, "When I was in the jacuzzi, Claire straddled me." He keeps his eyes on the road, I can't bear to look at him. My eyes immediately fill, my heart is racing, I want to break down and cry, shriek and wail like a banshee. Instead I say nothing, my shutters are down, I am numb, the damage is done.

I don't need any explanation, any details or clarification, not yet anyway, that no doubt will come later. What he is telling me, is that he's had unprotected sex. He reaches across for my hand, eyes begging for some glimmer of forgiveness, but his touch burns me and I snatch it back.

The rest of the half hour drive home, is spent in dark silence. My head swims in regret, anger, rage, and yes, jealousy. How could he be so STUPID! Even when I'm completely lost in the sexual moment, I am still aware of what is right and what is so fucking wrong.

Firstly, playing safe has to be the most important rule ever. Secondly, although we're swingers and have sex with numerous people, I hold our unprotected, skin to skin contact in very high regard. It's just for us, something special that only we can share and now that's gone. I don't expect people to completely understand, Mr S doesn't seem to, but it's how I feel and it's raw and real.

Thirdly, I feel betrayed, my trust in him has gone, we agreed on something and he has broken that promise. I have one swinging rule and one only and that is always to have protected sex. I am happy for him to have sex with anyone, he doesn't have to ask, I don't have to be in the same room, as long as he tells me about it afterwards and he does. I also have one vanilla rule, sex outside of swinging is cheating, we don't do it. So, he's broken THE swinging rule, how now can I trust him not to break the vanilla one?

He's sorry of course, says he loves me, doesn't want to lose me. He admits he's stupid, too polite (again) to stop something that's wrong. He says he was drunk, I too have been drunk and stupid, which got me raped, the difference being, I was unconscious, but that's another story. As far as I'm concerned, there are no excuses.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I usually find it so easy to separate sex from emotion, but not this time. No doubt I'll work through it and come out the other side, paper up the cracks, but it'll never be the same again.

"You said you couldn't stand to see my heartbroken,
So tell me, did you close your eyes when you broke it?......."

R.I.P "our special thing" xx